You're sure about this?
Why are you guys in my school?
Are we supposed to have Scouts now?
Mikey, we just need to chat, okay?
Usually, we'd talk to you like men should talk to a little boy,
but, today, we're gonna talk like we're all men.
Let's all make a scouting promise.
No matter what we talk about in here,
nobody's gonna cry, okay? Agree?
Why would we cry?
Sometimes you don't see a thing coming until it hits ya.
It goes in your ears, it goes into your heart and
you can feel it hurting all the way down.
Mikey, you can feel it hurting all the way down to
your little butt crack, you feel it,
it's like a punch to your insides, man.
And you're not expecting this.
It's like a sucker punch.
Mikey, you know, we all have people that we can depend on.
Ivan's got me, and Eddie's got Ivan and,
hey, all three of us, well, we've got you.
And I've got my dad.
Oh, boy.
Look, okay, you know, my dad's been sick for a long time,
and he's not gonna be around forever, I know this.
And maybe you haven't had time to think about this, but,
you know, our dads...
Your dad loves you, man. No matter what.
And no matter where he might be.
Even if he goes away.
Goes away forever.
Forever?
Is he okay?
What? Wait... Is he dead?
This is the sucker punch that I was talking about.
Mikey... I'm not gonna cry, Mr. Stevens.
Um...
Do you want a cigarette?
No.
You made the right choice by becoming a Boy Scout.
Even without a dad, we're always going to be here for you.
That is in our blood. It's part of our history.
Look at the great men who came before us. It's FDR.
What's up, Neil Armstrong? Hey, look, Hank Aaron.
Bill Gates, David Bowie, Donald Rumsfeld...
This brave and honorable group of men,
none of them are losers, and all of them started as Scouts.
My father founded one of the greatest scouting troops in the country.
He raised my brother and me
by the pages of the Boy Scout Handbook,
and I followed in every one of my dad's footsteps.
But my brother hated the woods
and mocked our uniforms and camping trips.
He quit, and the other boys were quick to follow,
deserting our troop.
The Scouts became a joke to them.
Like right now, I'm losing my dad, too.
And when he's gone, it'll be up to me to step forward,
become the leader of the next generation of Scouts
and guide our troop down those paths to greatness.
And two...
We're gonna do eight more. We're gonna go all the way.
It's fine.
Just come and put your hand like this,
and push it hard.
No.
Look. The blood that's going to his feet
is coming from here, that's where you gotta stop
the blood flow, man.
Yeah. Tibbits, go. It's just his femoral artery. Do it.
Come on, Tibbits.
Go ahead, Tibbits.
I don't want to. It's sweaty and gross in there.
So, Tibbits, you're gonna let him bleed to death?
No, Tibbits. Don't let me die.
With the amount of blood he has lost,
he's looking at an amputation or death,
unless you jump to the job and save his life.
I wouldn't touch that.
That's how you get diarrhea.
Elevate the leg, all right?
And you tie the tourniquet here.
You can save a leg and a life.
Hey, I know this looks creepy and weird, okay?
And a lot of people die because
somebody else doesn't want to look creepy and weird, right?
You gotta get past that.
All right. Look, Tibbits,
we're gonna work on this this weekend.
Any questions?
We've been installing these ATMs all over the freaking place.
And the secret's pretty simple.
Just get people to want to use 'em.
Like this guy right here.
One of our first jobs. Simple enough.
Use this ATM, get a gumball.
Kids come by, want gum,
mom needs money, and boo-yah!
We get a $4.75 fee.
Wait, that's genius. $4.75?
Yeah, and we've been installing them everywhere,
daycare centers, hospitals...
I just made a deal with a funeral home in Tulsa.
Man, I'm interested.
Whoa! Whoa! Dwande.
I said no dogs in the house.
We're gonna get you real-deal friends. Humans.
Right, Janine?
Oh, is this your wife?
Janine, this is Drew Pritchard.
We are talking to him about
putting some ATM machines in his dentist office in...
And who is this little guy?
This is Dwande, our son.
Oh, are you having a birthday party?
It's not my birthday.
It's an adoption day party. He's one.
One what?
One year in the U-S of A.
Well, he's 10, actually.
Okay.
He's from Africa, man!
Whoa, that's the real deal. Africa?
Janine was in the... What's that called, honey?
Peace Corps.
She was all "Save the whales" in college.
I'm sitting there, adoption papers in hand,
I'm flying to a city with no vowels, and I'm thinking...
What you're thinking is, "If he can play basketball,
"this is golden."
But, seriously,
first time I saw this little guy
was a pretty special moment.
As a special surprise for tonight's meeting
and for the campout this weekend,
yours truly managed to procure the founder
and Scoutmaster of this very troop,
my father, Scoutmaster Stuart Stevens!
Where's your uniform, Kent?
Mommy says I don't have to wear that bullshit outfit
if I don't want to.
Okay. First off,
it's not bullshit, and secondly,
you have to wear it if you're gonna go camping this weekend.
Screw camping! Especially in that crap-ass
church parking lot.
Why are you a Scout, Kent?
For my resume.
You got a resume?
Yes. Do you?
I can't go this weekend either.
What? Tibbits, no.
This is for your Lifesaving badge advancement.
My mom said I should go to a sleepover instead.
Sorry, Randy. I'm not going either.
Gary!
Prior obligations.
Dude, you're eight years old!
What kind of obligations you got?
Slumber party.
Guys, camping is a slumber party!
Are you still gonna do magic tricks tonight?
No. No. Dismissed.
Wait. We can go home early?
Yes! Go! All right?
Troop dismissed!
All right, Randy, take a breath.
This is ridiculous.
I know that camping in the parking lot is lame, okay,
I know that, but these moms! It's...
They won't let the kids more than five miles from the house.
Gary's mom insists he has at least three bars of
cell phone service and access to a flush toilet.
You know, when Stuart started this troop, he had 90 Scouts.
What about the little African immigrant?
Yeah, what about your nephew? Why doesn't he come?
My brother's not into it.
Have you showed them the recruitment video?
I don't want to show them that video.
Randy, first you sell the kids on this,
then you get the kids to sell the dads. It's called up-selling.
Double teaming.
You gotta think like a CEO, man.
We shouldn't have to show them this video.
They should wanna do it!
Hey, they're kids, man. You gotta sell them on stuff.
That's how it works. You gotta do the yickety-yickety-yickety, man.
Or otherwise, I'm gonna tell you something, Randy,
we might as well just go ahead and do something else. Okay?
We are taking my father camping.
Randy. Randy, chill, all right?
Just take a break, right? Re-evaluate, man.
We're going camping. We are not abandoning you.
We're going if it's just us and him in the parking lot!
Right. Right. Right. So you tell me,
without the boys, how is that scouting, man?
Ah, you've gotta be kidding me, man!
- Those effects are so cheap. - Cheap!
So obviously fake.
Totally fake.
Every time you see a guy on fire in one of these,
he's got his arms out like that...
Totally fake! No one would do that! It looks real to me.
Please, Janine, shut your hole, all right?
You weren't even invited.
What do you mean?
That was my bedroom before...
Would you get the door, Janine?
Pretending you're not here.
I would be rolling around on the ground trying to save my ass.
You know what I'm saying?
I know exactly what you're saying.
But maybe this was before computer effects were invented.
Hey, Moses, you need to knock that
computer crap off, all right?
We're not talking about computers!
We're talking about a real man with real fire here.
God, focus up already!
Oh!
Oh, no! Fuck me, I missed it. What happened?
I missed it!
It's outta here. Oh, shit!
Fuckin' Moses fucked me up!
I brought a few more of 'em. I hope you don't mind.
Oh, no, great.
They were all supposed to go camping this weekend,
I talked their mothers into this.
It's a much safer choice.
And such a good cause.
Uh, good cause?
Well, finding, you know, friends for your new little boy.
Real American friends.
Hey, Leonard, say hello to Ruanday.
Dwande. Dwande!
Oh, for heaven's sake, Leonard, shake his hand.
You don't even know anybody from Africa!
Hey, what's going on in here, young warriors?
- You ready to have some fun? - Yeah!
Let me take these TVs. Everybody in there.
Take the TVs in there.
All right. Come on, Dwande.
This is a really big step for Leonard.
He's never done anything like this.
Oh, he's never been to a sleepover?
No. Honestly,
I can't imagine having my eyes off him
even for one night, it just makes me nervous.
Oh! Please remember to have him
use his inhaler before bed.
Got it.
Yeah. I just want him to be tougher, you know?
I don't know why he's not latching on to all those guy stuff.
Hmm. Well, listen, they're perfectly safe here.
That gentleman is Kirk's chief of security,
so, really, there's nothing to worry about.
Fuck yeah!
Smackdown is on, shitheads!
All right, listen up, kids.
Tonight, very special night, we've done it all for you.
Four hours to hook up a dozen TVs to watch.
That's right.
"HD" stands for high-def.
We also upgraded to the triple diamond package.
That means we have over 2,500 channels.
Yeah!
And we got $800 worth of firepower here
going up after the game tomorrow!
What? No way! That's amazing!
By the way, guys, illegal gunpowder.
Straight from China.
Oh, check it out! Check it out! Big game. All right,
I got, like, $2,000 on this.
What?
What the hell is this? What?
Dwande! Dwande, buddy, no.
This is live TV, man.
Ah, Dwande! Do something! Change it, man!
Yes!
Naked lady! Look at those bazongas!
Oh! What?
Come on, man!
No, no, no, no! Look here, kids. It's a hit!
Put it back!
Okay! All right. Cheer, fellows!
God. Did you see that girl?
She was getting fucking plowed... What?
Hey, Dwande!
Listen, I'm hanging on by my fingernails here,
so let's go tell your dad about this camping trip we're going on.
He's gonna love it. He might freak out, but let's go tell him.
Okay, this is for you, and now let's take a look.
Not a lot of places left around here to go camping.
Everything here's paved over,
and the point is to be away from all this, so there's no much choice,
unless we wanna go all the way out here.
This place is restricted.
You know why? 'Cause it's awesome.
That's where my dad used to take us when we were kids.
That is where we are gonna go.
Shakes! Shakes! Shakes! Shakes!
Hey, Janine, this party's awesome.
Thanks.
And your house is just beautiful.
Janine! These kids need some chocolate lubrication!
Kirk's the luckiest man in the world.
God damn it! Come on, Janine,
you put the blender on the same line as our TVs, for Christ's sake.
Nobody panic!
This is the sleepover? Really?
This is what you gave up the camping trip for?
They got shakes, Mr. Stevens.
Randy, out.
And, Dwande,
get out of that stupid costume.
Hey, you know, hey, these are my Scouts.
And that is not your son.
All right, now. Come on, Randy, that's enough.
Come on, Dwande. Why don't you hang out with Kent in the kitchen?
Randy, Randy, Randy.
Why don't you and I take a little walk outside together, huh?
Why don't we all go outside together
on the camping trip that we all agreed to?
These kids are not gonna give up skybox seats to go
prancing through the woods with you.
We got skyboxes?
You're treating them like a bunch of bankers at a country club.
Fucking A right we are!
I will treat my son how I wanna treat him.
But he's not gonna go build fires
and tie knots with you in the woods!
He is from Africa, brah!
Yeah. He's had enough of that shit.
Oh, well, take a bow,
because you've set Dwande down the path of
"Turn him into a douche bag like you!"
Oh!
Fight! Fight! Fight!
Can we please not do this in front of the boys?
Shh! Men are talking.
I will bare-hand neuter you!
Yeah! Let's neuter him, Kirk.
Kirk, be careful, your angina!
Oh. Hey... Kirk... What's an angina?
Kirk! Kirk, what the hell? You need some help?
Angina!
We can all take 'em camping together.
Randy, keep your hands where I can see 'em!
Keep your hands where I can see 'em!
You want me to take him out or take him down?
Talk to me, Goose. What do you want me to do?
I don't understand. Fuck it, it's my call.
I'm taking him out. Fuck you!
Take him out! Take him out!
Randy Stevens. Regional President Chuck Schwatzer here
from the Boy Scout office downtown.
Hey, I'm gonna need those camping trip permission slips
from your boys ASAP, or you're not gonna be able to go.
I mean, what, you got three kids
and you can't get me some slips?
What happened? Did they all quit?
I'd love to give you the go ahead on this weekend,
'cause I know you've been looking forward to this one,
but you know the rules. No slipsies, no tripsies.
Right on, brother man. Gimme a call at the office and let me know.
I'm out of ideas.
# If you're sitting around with nothing to do
# Adventure is waiting for you
# Fighting dragons with all of your might
# And in the morning, we can go for a hike
# Boy Scouts! #
It's not like that.
Randy makes us sleep in the park
next to a hobo toilet. This is bullshit.
Tibbits. Not this time, man.
No hobo toilets. No parking lots.
I'm talking the deep woods, the real outdoors, like Scouts.
Okay? Without your moms around
treating you like little babies,
and your dads bringing you milkshakes.
Outside?
Yes, Leonard, outside.
But what about our skyboxes?
Kent, who cares about the skyboxes?
Those are always gonna be there.
The stuff I'm taking you to see,
the boulders the size of houses,
and the waterfalls, and the wildlife,
I mean, that stuff might not actually be here forever.
And at night there's gonna be a bonfire, huge bonfire party.
Camping is for ugly women. It's stupid.
Gary, take this,
pass it around, let everyone see it, okay?
Wow!
Look, guys, this is Dwande's weekend, all right?
What would you rather do? Huh?
Yeah.
Hey, I'm not smokin' in the house. I'm talking to you.
You said no smoking in the house,
I'm not smokin' in the house.
Jesus Christ! Randy.
Guys, why aren't you in your uniforms, man?
Randy, no, no, no, right here, right now,
get the fuck off my property. All right?
We are staying home.
What? Let me tell you somethin', motherfucker.
We got in a fight with our wives,
all right? Period.
No, no, no, no. Camping with you ain't worth getting yelled at.
Randy, with all due respect, man.
I know we said we's goin' with you,
but if it's cool with you, man,
and even if it's fuckin' not,
just get the fuck outta here, we call this whole thing off, man.
Eddie, I wanna show you something.
I wanna show you something.
# I was walking down the street
# And I saw a bunch of girls
# I asked them for their numbers and they gave me their numbers... #
Damn! The video, it worked?
We got a troop again.
What's up, Pops?
Oh, but wait a minute. You guys want to stay here
and get yelled at by your wives, so...
Fuck that. We go. We are in! Welcome aboard, guys.
Good morning, Janine.
Did you get a good night's sleep?
Hi.
Where are the other boys?
Oh. They all went camping.
Hey, Kirk!
Hey. You wanna do some Pilates?
Kirk!
Hey, shut the fuck up!
Everybody, dig in this box,
put yourselves together a uniform, put it together.
We don't have much, but make it work!
Second, anything that is electronic goes in here,
not into the woods. Come on, give it up, give it up, give it up.
I know you guys got cell phones. Let's go, let's go.
Fast, fast, move your ass.
Now, who has been camping before?
I have. Great.
Okay. Pretty good. How many of you can peel a potato?
Nobody can peel a potato. Okay.
Who here can start a fire?
Hey! Dwande! Nice.
All right, tell me what? Who knows how to kill and skin a deer?
Really?
Randy, let's get to the woods, we got Daniel Boone up front there.
Let's go get the camping started!
Randy! You son of a bitch!
Where are you, you son of a bitch!
He's not here!
Look, you're not helping us by destroying everything.
Fuck you, Randy!
All right, maybe we're overreacting?
The kid said he took them, right? What's your name?
Kent.
Kent said that he took all of 'em!
Oh, yes, he did.
Ahhh! I'm gonna murder him dead.
Let's murder the bastard!
What am I gonna tell their parents?
Whoa! You're not gonna tell them dick!
What about the police? Maybe we could...
Hey, hold on! Don't say anything to the police, all right?
Do not ruin this like you ruined prom!
They're gonna be on us for this.
It happened in our house. It was our fault.
I am going to find them, but nobody else needs to be involved.
Jesus Christ, Kirk, we lost their children.
Will you calm down!
Yeah, calm down, Janine!
Calm down, Janine!
I'm gonna find him, I promise, but just help me find some clues.
Gentry, anything?
Nothin' but a fish tank!
I'll be right up.
Now, clues are easy to find if an idiot is leaving them,
so see what you can dig up.
Kirk, help me out up here!
Tear his toilet off the wall!
He doesn't even have cable.
Randy, I don't think they want us to camp in there.
Oh, yeah? Well, today
it's not up to them.
Mr. Stevens, can we pee out here?
Yeah. Guys! Nature is your house, okay?
Nature is your toilet.
Pee anywhere you want. Everybody, pee anywhere.
All right, let me get this straight, man. So, we're gonna trespass?
That's the plan?
Did you see his face?
Do you know how long it's been since I've had this?
Eddie. It's the cops! It's the nature police! Hey, guys.
I cannot get busted, okay? What is the matter with you?
Jesus Christ, dude! This is way beyond Scout protocol.
Good morning!
Are you cleaning that up?
Clean what up?
If I came to your house
with 10 boys and pissed on your carpet,
you'd want me to clean up, wouldn't you?
Well, what do you expect us to do? Have 'em whiz in a bucket?
There's restrooms a half mile up.
You couldn't wait though, could you?
Well, peeing in the woods, that's not the...
Nobody pees here!
Do you understand me? This is State property.
If you wanna be here, you be in a public area.
We have restrooms, showers. We have pools...
You know what? No, thank you. We're Scouts,
so we will take our business elsewhere.
Business? Is that what that is?
Is that a business?
Hey! This park is not your goddamned toilet bowl.
If it don't look like a urinal, don't piss on it!
Do you understand me?
Yeah.
Let's be a little bit civilized.
Randy, Chuck Schwatzer again.
I pray to Christ that you are not on an unauthorized campout.
Randy, that would be kidnapping.
That is some serious trouble with the national org there.
Call me.
Kirk, let's check the kitchen, too, man.
- Let's see if there are some snacks. - Janine!
What'd you get? Find anything?
What, you think I couldn't find you cocksuckers?
Who the fuck are you?
Get the fuck outta here!
Hey, Mikey! We're unarmed!
Mikey! Which one of these assholes is your Scoutmaster?
Which one told you I was dead?
Which one is it, Mikey?
I'm sorry, man. I hope you can forgive me,
but yesterday I'm at the hospital
gettin' a motherfucking colonoscopy.
I don't know if you ever had one, but it ain't fun.
So I'm tryin' to come home
and forget about this assault.
You know, relax with my kids, chill out.
So I'm expecting my kids to meet me at the door,
we'd have a little dinner, but instead of kisses and hugs,
I get shot in the face with a fucking BB gun!
In my groin, my knee caps. By my own son!
I don't know what the fuck is goin' on.
Turns out that Mikey gets a visit from his Scoutmasters at school,
they are armed with a newspaper.
And these dipshits read my cousin's obituary
and tell Mikey I'm fuckin' dead!
Mikey goes home, tells his sisters the news,
they go nuts, boom!
They deduce that their daddy must be a goddamn ghost.
What are you kids doing?
Try backpedaling your way out of that with a five and a six-year-old.
You'd be up all night. I was.
And they still don't get it.
Sounds like we got the same ass-kicking agenda.
You know what? They sound like some real shitty fuckers, man.
That is our hunch, shitty fuckers!
That's not a hunch, that's the truth.
And we're gonna hunt 'em down.
We just need to know where to start.
What about this, Kirk?
Please. Janine...
Good eye, Janine.
This might be what we need.
I think it's exactly what you need.
Yeah, but do you know where they're at?
Yeah, how do you know?
Well, do you see the green spot?
With the big circle around it?
Oh, yeah.
No!
Yeah. That's probably where he took 'em.
That's out in the woods.
He said it was a real-deal adventure.
Jesus!
Hey, you wanna come with us?
You fuckin' right, I wanna come with you,
but I got a problem. I need somebody to watch my kids.
That's not a problem. That's what Janine's for.
It takes a village, Janine.
Oh, yeah. Sure. Why not?
And you don't have to worry. They have a black son, too.
Who brought a garden hose? Randy, what...
Hey! Look what I found! A raccoon!
Should we bless him?
Smash its head!
Slay the demon beast!
Hey, hey, guys! Come on! Cut it out!
Hey, hey, guys. That's not a demon!
Whoa! Whoa!
Bring it down.
Let's bury this fucker.
Poor little raccoon.
Gary, don't touch it.
All right, guys,
scouting is a complex woman, all right?
There's many sides to her,
and is it our job to
control, conquer, and slay her?
Now, sometimes, you know,
she's a rapacious witch.
Other times, a tireless lover.
So, okay. Thank you, Dad.
Does anyone know where the word "Scout" comes from?
It's a French word and it means "to listen."
In America, that means "Shut the fuck up," okay?
Thank you, Eddie, thank you.
So, we are each gonna take this horn,
we're each gonna give it a blast,
and we're gonna pass it around
and we are going to apologize to this raccoon,
and to nature, and we're gonna pledge it our respect.
Go ahead, Leachman, give it a honk.
Squeeze that sucker!
Nice. Pass it over.
This is the sound and the pledge of respect.
Nice.
Responsibility.
Nice.
Readiness.
Wow! Nice.
Gratitude.
Whoa!
And finally, Dwande, compassion.
Very good. Now, from this point on,
all of you are dead.
You're all dead little boys. And when you return from this trip,
you'll return resuscitated and resurrected as men.
And this man is gonna be the one that breathes new life into you,
and is gonna kiss goodbye the little corpses that you leave behind,
and he's gonna be proud
to shake the hands of the men who hike in your stead.
Jump to the job. Everyone, say it!
Jump to the job!
Nice. All right. Now, are we gonna camp here tonight?
No. What?
We've still got five miles until we get to the...
Five miles? Five miles?
We're not... We're not even in the woods yet.
What the fuck is this? All right?
Eddie. Gary!
Yes, sir?
You wanna say a few words?
Yes.
Please bow your heads. And hold hands.
Bless us, O Lord, and these thy gifts...
Gary, that's a food prayer, okay?
Eddie...
...which we are about to receive from Jesus Christ,
Who watches us from heaven above,
and with pure love, from our hearts
to yours, through Christ.
Amen.
Naked lady!
Dwande, come on! She's got titties!
Whoa!
See those? Randy, did you see that?
Guys, come on!
- Hey, slow it down a little bit! - Come on, let's go!
But enjoy!
Hey, Randy, there's a naked lady, man!
Yo, Randy, there's a naked lady over here,
and you're mourning a fucking raccoon, dude.
You don't make as much money as we make.
And don't get to kill people. The cold steel in my hand,
blood, uh, just pumping in my veins.
This is some bullshit!
I'm not gonna scare anybody with this!
Oh, please. Ninety-nine percent of police work is intimidation.
This is a starter pistol, for Christ's sake. It shoots blanks.
It's basically just a noisemaker.
Randy's gonna shit yellow when he sees you two.
I'm gonna kick a crack in his ass
like the Liberty Bell, ring him for recess!
Ring-a-ding-ding.
My boys are gonna have a sweet ass to kick when we get there.
I love the ATM business, but this is what I really live for.
Child kidnapping's no joke.
When we catch Randy, I'm gonna tear one arm off and shove it up his ass,
I'm gonna tear the other arm off and shove it down his throat,
so he can shake hands in his stomach.
Now, you are the two motherfuckers that got the ATMs everywhere, right?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I like that. I just got a couple at my church.
Oh. Amen.
No offense. Fuck church.
Randy's goin' to hell.
That's some unnecessary shit you just said.
Tits! Buns! Tits! Buns! Tits! Buns!
Tits! Buns!
Did you think she was a virgin?
Hey, guys, what's a virgin exactly?
- Gary's a virgin. - Bullcrap I am!
Would your uncle ever leave us out here on our own?
Shh. Shh. Wait, guys.
Isn't this where we started?
Did you hear that?
Oh, my God!
Who is that?
Stuart?
Oh, my God. I don't think he's moving.
What are you doing?
Dwande, what are you doing? Where are you going?
Leave the dead in peace.
Dwande, don't be messin' with dead stuff.
Is he really dead?
Dude, come back! Are you crazy?
Dwande, no!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Get back into formation!
Give me that. Give me that.
- This is an exercise. - What?
Tibbits, jump to the job!
What? What?
There's a guy dying in the woods, now what do we do?
There's a guy bleeding to death on the forest floor.
What do you do?
Stop the blood? Stop the bleeding.
Yeah, okay. Now, think, think. What else?
Is he in shock? Is he breathing?
There. Yeah. Okay. Perfect.
You didn't do any of that stuff!
Why didn't you do any of that?
You okay, Stuart?
I thought he was dead. I thought he was dead, too.
You thought he was dead? Well, he's gonna be dead if you guys just sit around
talking, not doing anything.
But it's scary!
But what part of lifesaving isn't scary?
I didn't think it was lifesaving.
I thought it was murder.
Murder? Eddie?
Yeah? Eddie, help me out.
Yeah, but, Randy, the kids are right, man.
I mean, he looked like he was dead.
Like he was dead... Okay.
Look, all right, Tibbits, I'm sorry, man.
It was a simulation for your Lifesaving badge.
It was supposed to be like a hiking accident, you know?
Stuart can't hike.
Yeah, man, you know what? Maybe we should have stuck with the broken leg exercise.
Oh. Okay. Yes.
All right. But, hey, the next time this happens,
what are you gonna do?
Jump to the job.
I'm sorry. What?
- Jump to the job. - Jump to the job.
Yes! Okay, guys, he's right!
Gonna jump to the job, everybody.
All right.
Hello?
Oh. Hi, Janine.
Linda! Hi!
Everybody okay?
Yes, the boys are still here. They're having a ball!
So we'll just swing by...
Um, Dwande would love it if Leonard could stay for one more night,
if that's... Hold on a second.
David! Sure.
Uh, the mom wants to know if Leonard could stay another...
David, can you come? Do not touch me, Kent.
Hi, Janine. Hi.
I'll be there before 9:00.
Yes. Tomorrow morning before 9:00 a.m. Right.
Yeah. Before church. Before church. Got it.
Okay. Will do.
Have fun. Thanks so much, Linda. Bye-bye.
All right.
We need to have a discussion about boundaries.
Hello?
The game is on right now, honey.
And paid to have Dwande's name on the Jumbotron,
but nobody's gonna see the goddamned thing.
Kirk!
These women are going to be on our doorstep tomorrow morning,
and if their kids aren't here,
the police are going to have to be called.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No police, Janine.
Now, we can handle this ourselves without the cops blaming us.
Just buy me some time.
I'm trying, but I'm running out of ideas.
I told them we're doing a goddamned Bible study tonight.
That's perfect! Goddamn, that's why I love you!
Kirk, just get Dwande home safe, okay?
And please just go easy on Randy until we make sure we have all the facts.
Go easy?
Janine, he...
What was that?
Uh, look, just do whatever it takes, all right?
I just wish I was at home and you were doing that thing we saw
in that rap video where you...
Okay, not now, Kirk.
You are so fucking weird.
You smell that?
The wee-wee?
Mmm-hmm. Loud and clear.
Seems like the logical place to take a pee-pee break, doesn't it?
Sure does. A lot of kids pissed around here.
The adults peed over there. You can smell the coffee on it.
You wanna whiff? I'm good.
Found a little poop over there.
Those little BMs? Yeah. Little kid-sizes.
Uh-huh. I saw those.
The way I see it, the van pulled up over here, where the tire treads are,
kids bail out over here where the little footprints are.
Okay. They do their little diddies,
they do number ones,
they do some number twos, they pile back in the van,
and they off on the road.
Mmm. They all drive in, load out, unload, load up, drive out.
Drive out?
Or drive in?
He's in there.
You think we should save the BMs for evidence?
We don't need evidence.
We're going in there to get him.
Freakin' woods.
We should be home, making babies,
- sweet dirty love to our wives... - Yeah.
Dirty babies. Damn!
Oh, hitting her.
Touching her, caressing her. That soft ass.
- Fondling, kissing, caressing... - Eddie! Eddie.
What?
I cannot hike when you talk sexy.
Let's not slow down, guys!
Bullshit we are.
Randy, we've been hiking all day, now we're supposed to climb this?
Almost there!
Randy! We need a break, okay? All of us!
Oh, Jesus, my feet hurt.
Come on, guys! It's just over these rocks.
Fuck those rocks!
I thought you said we'd be fighting dragons!
That was metaphorical, okay? That was just on the DVD.
We've been hiking for hours, and haven't seen crap!
Crap.
Haven't seen... Gary! These rocks?
These are the gateway to scouting!
Generations of Scouts have passed over these!
Randy, stop the bull, please! Guys, who wants to go home, huh?
I do! Yes!
Take me! Take me! You see?
All of 'em want to go home.
Well, great. Anyone who wants to help me get Stuart to the top of these rocks,
you follow me. The rest of you guys, go right on home.
Have a big boo-hoo party with your mommies.
They can change your wet diapers, okay?
But how do we know how to get back home?
If you were a Scout, you'd have no problem.
Wadonday. What's up there?
Dwande!
Where is he going?
Hey, Dwande!
Hey, look at that. Dwande's gonna do this.
I'll go if you guys go.
Yeah. What else can we do? Guys. Wait up.
Wait! We might as well see what's up there.
Hey!
I'm not sayin' that I really want to.
I thought you guys wanted to go home!
No offense, Eddie. You probably can't find the way home.
I bet you my foot'll find your ass.
Dwande, slow down!
All right.
Okay. Let's do this. Dang it, man.
What?
Well, these are my new church slacks.
Yeah?
Well, you just crawled through a pee-pee puddle there, Kirk.
Yup.
I'm going back to the car and grab my dungarees. Just wait here, all right?
Caldwell, back me up.
Grab my iPod.
For what?
It's got a mix on there, heavy metal.
Oh, all right. Gets me all revved up.
You know what I mean?
I love Kirk, but he doesn't understand how much slacks cost these days.
Hey, look around in there. I think I have another pair if you want some.
Where's it at?
You see 'em? I don't see it.
Well, they're right there. I don't see it.
Y'all looking to camp?
Um...
Yes, sir. That'd be great.
A lot of friendly people here.
Gearing up to have fun.
Well, sounds like our kind of people.
Yeah.
Okay.
Uh... Should we follow you, then?
I wish you would.
You got your pants?
Yeah, I got my pants!
Shit!
Look at the view!
Whoa!
Ho, ho, ho.
Oh, my God!
Awesome!
This is pretty bad-ass.
Randy.
You called this one.
Eddie. We made it!
We're camping up in this?
Oh, do we get badges and crap now?
You already have your badges. Check your arms, check your necks.
Look at those cuts, look at those insect bites.
You guys earned those, man. Look at the sweat under your armpits,
and, Leachman, that heat rash, we'll fix that.
But, guys, you've earned all of this. You are real Scouts.
So bring it all in, real Scouts.
Bring it in, real Scouts, right now.
Eddie, may I?
A toast, all right?
To my dad, for being lucky enough to be here with all of you.
And to all the dads who couldn't be here,
Mikey Caldwell's dad, for instance,
who's death prevented him from coming, but you know what?
He's up camping in the sky right now,
but he's not gonna have as much fun as you guys are about to have.
Amen. Hey, America!
Troop 5516 is here, and we're about to go camping in you!
It's the outdoors, nipple dicks!
No, no, no, we're blending in just fine.
Yeah, as soon as these yokels hit the hay, man,
we're gonna be right there with you.
No one is deserting you.
I don't want you to be scared.
I'm not scared.
Just don't go anywhere.
You guys stay put, and make sure nobody comes after me.
Stay put?
You can't break up the team, Kirk! All right!
Caldwell and I want in on the action. Come on!
This isn't about a team!
This is about my son!
Well, okay, Caldwell has a son, too, you know.
Caldwell's son is at my home with my wife,
where I should be!
Now, if I need backup, I'll call for it. Backup?
Backup. Backup, my ass.
I didn't come out here to be no damn decoy
for a park ranger, motherfucker! Motherfucker.
Run distraction.
I need you two guys to blend in.
It's...
It's weird here, man. It's just weird, all right?
It's like some sort of redneck swingers' party or something, man.
Is that park ranger still there?
Yeah, he is staring at me right now.
It's weird.
I think he wants to fuck me.
Wait for my call. I don't need you right now, Gentry.
Don't break up this partnership, man. We got a good thing here.
Kirk!
What the fuck are these people doing?
Look at that asshole, in the yellow.
What is his problem?
You peckerwood...
What the hell is that?
Let's get the party started!
Gary, have a Root Beer.
Normally, I'd remain celibate,
but tonight I will imbibe.
Oh. Well, hala!
How you doing there, Moses?
What's up, man? What's up?
Your troop back.
We're...
We're resuscitating it.
Okay?
This troop's not gonna dissolve.
It's not gonna fade away.
Randy fucking Stevens!
Jesus Christ, you got Dad out here, too?
Oh, you really went and did it.
Seven felonies and Dad, to boot.
Abducting him and all these kids?
That's desperate, Randy.
I'm getting you guys out of here.
Dad, we're gonna get you back to your room
where you need to be, okay?
Kirk, Kirk, listen.
This is our home, okay?
Right here, with the trees over our heads,
this soil under our feet, and the... Stop it!
No more poems. No more speeches. You're done.
Now let's pack it up, shut this down,
and hike everybody out of here.
This Scout troop is finished!
Dwande!
Oh, come here, buddy.
- You don't have to be scared. - Scared?
Kirk, he's not scared.
Okay?
This is a brave little kid.
Did you know that?
He helped all these other kids get up here.
He's a big part of this!
You're calling my son a kidnapper?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Kidnapping?
I didn't do it. I'm not a kidnapper. He's not a kidnapper.
- Well, unless you wanna go to jail... - No, no, no.
Look, look. I don't want no problems here.
I can't go to fucking prison again.
It hurts, okay? So... Then, help me out.
You want us to tie this motherfucker up for you?
Randy, run, motherfucker, 'cause I'm gonna kill you!
Eddie, it's not kidnapping if you're related.
Bull fuck, Randy, we're not brothers anymore.
If the Boy Scouts knew...
What are you doing?
You know what they would do?
They'd fuckin' kill all of us!
Oh, Dad. I'm saving your life.
I'm paying for you to be comfortable.
And you don't need to be out here.
No one deserves to be out here.
We're cooperating! What do you want us to do with this guy?
Listen to me. We are assistants.
We don't want to get involved in none of this shit!
Then leave.
Okay, but we could help you with the kids, all right?
Knock it off and get out of here!
All right. Fine. We'll leave. Yeah.
Randy, it's a real shithead move, you dick!
All right. Let's pack up and go.
Why'd you kick him?
Moses, they kidnapped you! These aren't real leaders.
Hanging out in the woods with eight-year-olds,
cooking potato dinners, writing poems...
That's not a man. That's not a leader.
Look. You don't need badges from these dorks to prove something.
Then what are we supposed to do?
I don't know.
Stay in school and stay off drugs, uh...
And play sports, join the army.
Let's just get out of here, okay?
We don't need to be in the woods talking about this.
We can be back home, listening to some Hoobastank.
Ugh!
We could have Janine cooking some taquitos...
Come on, fellows. Bump me and we'll hit it.
Dwande.
Bump your daddy.
Dwande. What's wrong? Bump me.
Knock it off!
Come on, you can do this, Randy.
Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Get up, Randy!
Fight! Fight!
Get up, Randy!
Come on, Randy!
Randy! What do we do?
Little help. Jesus! Fellows, help!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Do you think that's real?
I think it's another test.
That's gotta be fake.
This is fake! This looks like horseshit.
He's probably not really on fire
Tibbits! Jump to the job!
Help me, guys!
- Randy. Is this for real? - Jesus!
Quickly, Moses.
Guys, hurry up! Moses, grab water!
Come on! Leonard!
Hey, Randy. You need an air hole?
Jesus, Gary!
Come on, guys! Harder!
No!
Harder!
Are you alive, Mr. Stevens?
Guys. Randy's okay.
He's alive! He's alive!
Mr. Stevens.
Tibbits, did you... Did you do this?
I thought you were faking it.
Be brave, Randy. You can cry.
Hey! Bring him over here!
Will you get him out of the sleeping bag?
Careful, guys. We gotta cut it.
Now get rolling on making me a stretcher, please.
Like the one in the Bible?
Yeah. Like the one in the Bible.
Guys, wait.
There was a stretcher in the Bible?
Oh, yeah! Heck yeah!
Moses, can you bring my dad over to me?
Um, well, your dad is not...
Just bring him here. He's...
You guys go pack up or help Gary.
Just give us a minute.
This is really fucked up, Randy.
You know, the boys collected his ashes this morning
and put him in there.
Congratulations, Randy. Dad's dead.
Now he's in a fucking cooking pot.
Huh!
I was burned butt-naked.
My arms are scorched. I can't put them down.
I was burned in places the sun doesn't even know about.
I have a $350 Bluetooth melted into the insides of my ear.
Dad should be in the hospital right now, enjoying himself!
That's what I paid for!
What do you want me to say?
Say that this was a stupid fucking idea
and that you're a total failure.
I... I failed. I made a mistake.
Say you failed Dad.
Say it.
I failed Dad.
Did you know I got Dad a crypt?
I got him a primo location in the downtown cemetery.
They disinterred a Confederate soldier
to make sure he got a good location.
- That ain't cheap. - Jesus, Kirk!
I loved him, Randy.
You know, I've been working with two architects
and a stone mason to ensure that he got a good burial,
so his body could be treated with some respect.
Is there an ATM machine in the crypt?
Fuck you, Randy.
It's more respect than you can afford.
He loved it out here!
Randy, we have to tell you something.
Mr. Stevenses,
your dad's not in that cooking pot.
This my old dirty underwear.
Okay! Stretcher's ready!
Where is he?
Well, Dwande took him.
What are you talking about?
He left this morning with your dad in a backpack.
Why wouldn't anybody tell me?
- Where'd he go? - It's a real doozy!
The Father, Son, Holy Spirit will be with you.
Oh, Jesus, Gary!
You and Jesus could be like bros!
Daddy?
No. I'm a lady.
Hi.
Hey!
Is Leonard all set to go?
Uh... No. He's... They went on a little...
Who are all these kids?
They're friend of... They're kids...
Kids of our friends of ours.
Where is my son, Janine? Is there a problem here, ladies?
Oh, God, help me. Yeah. Where is Leonard?
Leonard went camping.
No. Leonard did not go camping.
What is he talking about, Janine?
Read my lips, lady. CA-MMM-PING.
Well, isn't he snippy.
Janine.
Where is Leonard?
Dwande! It's okay!
Now you can be as good a Jew as Jesus Christ.
Let's not bring God or Jesus into this, guys. Come on!
Dwande! We're coming for you!
Guys, could we please be a little more careful?
Shut up, Kirk!
What kind of monkey operation is this?
I'm sure they'll be home soon because Kirk promised me...
I was under the impression
they'd be within this immediate vicinity.
What if there was an emergency? There won't be an emergency.
None of us was told about a camping trip.
Why didn't you mentioned this?
Because we didn't think it was a problem.
You didn't think it was a problem?
Where exactly are our boys?
Ladies! Ladies! You're barking up the wrong tree!
If you have a beef,
you have a beef with the Scoutmasters and her husband.
She's innocent!
Thanks, Kent. You're welcome, Janine.
Look, we just have to have a little patience, okay?
Kirk is out there, he'll bring them all back.
- We just have to wait for... - Janine!
You need to take us there. Right now.
Dwande! We're over here! Let's go! Move!
We are moving!
Well, move faster! Damn it, my son's lost out there!
Kirk, he's not lost. We're gonna find him.
Randy, shut your damn...
What is that?
Someone's calling my Bluetooth.
Kirk! I got him! Hey, Caldwell, I got him!
I just want my son! Ahhh! Kirk, can you hear me?
Where are you? Listen, listen. What?
- Ahhh! - Oh, my God!
Holy shit!
It sounds like they're fuckin' torturing him.
This is bad news, dude. Dwande!
All right, listen, hey, we are dropping cover, man.
We're dropping cover and coming to get ya!
Let's go. Let's go!
Hey, folks, sorry... No!
Listen, the ATM is closed. I need everybody to back away.
Hey! You all owe camping fees!
Hey, take a hike, bitch.
And fuck your campsite.
We're on a mission to blow butts, motherfucker.
Blow butts.
Let's get those sons of bitches!
Kick some ass! Let's roll.
These women are gonna rip me apart. They are going to kill me.
And Kirk's gonna go to jail. I'm gonna go to jail.
Wow! I think you're letting it get a little tense right now.
What am I gonna do? Maybe we should take it easy.
Enjoy the moment that we have together.
Ha!
Hey. Hey. Hey, stop, guys, stop. Set it down.
We don't have time for breaks.
Let's keep moving! We gotta find Dwande.
Kirk. I think we found him.
Dwande! It's me, Daddy! I'm down here, on the stretcher!
We got crucifixed! What's he got?
I think that's your dad.
Dwande?
Buddy, let's be very careful with that, okay?
We're gonna take him back home where he'll be...
Hey. What's that sound?
It's beautiful.
That's our moms calling us.
I think that means we're in deep shit, Mr. Stevens.
Thank you, Shane.
Shit! Son of a bitch. Damn! God damn it, man!
You know what? That hotwire shit, it don't work!
Okay, be nice, all right?
All I can do is get the goddamned radio started, man!
All right. Be nice. Then you do it.
You get it started. You're a smart ass.
Be nice!
Eddie. Sweet Baby Jesus.
Don't you need these keys?
No, no, no, no, no!
We're not getting mixed up with this, man. No!
What, you're not gonna help these kids?
This is my answer. Step away from the vehicle.
Roll it, man.
The back doors are open.
Jesus.
It's not starting.
Well, pop the fucking clutch, man!
What's a poppa clutch? A poppa clutch?
Okay.
Come on, man!
Guys, come on. Get us out of here. Come on.
That's how you poppa clutch!
Hey! No, no, no, no, no, no!
Randy! Don't bring him in here!
No! No!
How would Randy get into these woods?
Janine. Right there!
Get this shit out of here! No, no, no! Quit screaming!
Okay, Eddie, I got us moving.
It's rolling.
That's them! That's them!
You, shitty little cocksucks. We got your ass!
Give it to me. Give it to me.
Everybody, hands up! You are fucked!
Get out of the car!
They're making a break for it! Everybody, freeze!
You heard the motherfucker. He said "freeze"!
It's rolling, you idiots! Halt!
Oh, it's the cops.
Randy! You tell them we got nothing to do with this
and I'm not your friend!
Kids, move! Move!
Everybody! Back off! Get outta here, you little shits! Move!
No more child casualties today.
They're getting away!
Huh? What? What?
- Shoot the tires! - This shit not gonna shoot the tires!
Ow!
What are you doing?
We're moving!
You broke the skin, man!
Oh, shit.
Stop! Stop! Don't resist!
Oh! I think we did that, man!
Jesus Christ came out that windshield!
Let's get that motherfucker.
Oh! A crotch rocket!
Oh, wow!
Is that the naked lady's?
Oh! Look at that! Wait a minute. Please.
Ah, look at this. A silk gown.
That's disgusting.
Guys! It's her! It's the lady. Guys, come look!
No, no! Yo!
Stick 'em up, jerk-offs.
Stick 'em up? We were just in a car wreck!
All right. Nobody move. All right?
Unless you got to for, like, a medical reason or some bullshit like that.
Caldwell, you got a 20 on this scumbag?
I don't know what a 20 is.
20, a location, man.
Where the fuck is that little bastard?
Motherfucker. He's getting away!
Hey! Fuck you! Freeze!
Gentry! Gentry!
Who's a dead man now, huh, asshole?
What's that?
Thought you could outsmart the outsmarters, huh?
Shoot him again, Caldwell.
Hey, cut that out, Gentry. Oh, God!
Janine! What the hell are you doing here, huh?
Shouldn't you be at home, like, online shopping or something?
Gimme my gun back!
Hey, kid!
What is going on here? What happened to the kids? Where's Kirk?
Everything is under control. No. It's not.
You stupid, stinkin' son of a bitch!
Oh, okay. Hello, ladies!
Where is my son? What did you do to our boys?
The good news is that they were nowhere near the van crash.
Where are our sons?
They're not here...
You lost our children?
There's no reason to panic
because they will soon be back in your warm, loving bosoms.
Mr. Scout Leader,
if my sweet Lord Christ in the trees
has any ounce of mercy to place on a cursed soul like yours,
he better damn well show me a sign of that right now!
Everything's perfectly fine here, ladies!
Oh, God!
Can somebody get me off this cross?
And on a Sunday, of all days!
You should all be ashamed of yourselves!
All right, ladies, ladies, listen up. Name's Gentry.
Let me lay it down for you.
Here are the facts as we know them.
And although we can't confirm this one hundred percent,
we believe that your children may be dead.
What?
Gentry, shut up. Shut up! Janine, it's true.
- Who is this guy? - Idiot.
He's an idiot.
He's a security guard at an ATM company. He has no authority.
Okay, yes, I am an ATM security agent,
which means I've been trained in firearms.
I've been trained in black ops.
And here are the facts, ladies.
Children don't live in the woods.
They die.
If I could have done something about it, I would have.
I don't like to point fingers,
but this fucking guy killed your kids.
Oh, my God! What have you done with him?
What have you done with him?
Probably being devoured by wolves as we speak.
Jesus Christ! What happened out here?
Where's Dwande?
He's up there.
They are all up there.
He's making that up. He's making that up. He totally...
Oh, my God!
That's our son.
What the fuck is going on?
Hey, this is federal goddamned...
That's a naked woman.
Lord, well done.
Leonard!
What did they do to you? Mom, it's okay. It's just tits.
Leonard!
Whoo!
Look at you! Smell it. I made testosterone.
Oh, yes!
Then we saw one of his organs coming out,
and then over there you saw his heart pumping out.
It was still beating, it was like bum, bum, bum, bum, bum!
And then, after that, you saw all the blood squirting,
and then you couldn't even see the wires
because all the blood was like...
You just saw its insides, and there was some black thing.
It was like the game that I have.
Hey, buddy, you be careful with that. Okay?
Can I ask you a question?
What were you thinking?
Baby, I'm so sorry. Those women look like they could have killed you.
Yeah. I hate those women.
They scare the shit out of me.
But at least it worked out for your father.
Where is your father?
Dwande?
This guy did something beautiful, baby.
Dwande, you can do whatever you want, okay?
If you wanna be a basketball player, or a dentist,
or a nightclub singer, I don't give a crap.
I'm just your dumb daddy and I love you.
You can do whatever you want.
Well, we don't have to make the decision right now.
Let's not rush into anything.
Hey, Kirk! Ow!
Janine, please watch it.
Oh, whoa, brother! You look like a bag of shit, man!
You're all burnt up!
I'll be honest, I don't even think
plastic surgery's gonna help you.
You need medical attention.
And you probably ought to give your family a little attention,
you know what I mean? Yeah.
Hey, it's probably a bad time,
but I'm gonna go ahead and put in my two weeks notice.
I'm sorry. I love ATM security, I do.
You know I'm the best,
but I just feel like I need something more.
And Caldwell, he needs a babysitter,
so, you know, I'm great with kids,
probably the best, and that's a natural fit.
I hope you guys understand.
And I hope you live.
Anyway. Hey, Dwande, do me a favor, bury that, all right?
Thank you.
Caldwell, I got shotgun, brah!
Dad. Yeah?
- We should go home. - Yeah. Let's get out of here.
Okay. Help Dad up.
Over the tops of these hills and past the roads and highways,
you can see back to the neighborhood,
where men return home to their wives,
ready to embrace the future ahead.
And not far away, on the other side of town,
the parents of these boys
have grown proud of their sons.
What they've done and who they've become.
Following the Ten Commandments,
is the way we should live our lives every day.
Come on, guys!
The boys are becoming men
that aren't afraid of seeking out new frontiers,
while others turn their lives around and change their old ways.
It got a little burned.
Yeah, but it's a nice try.
Thanks, babe. Thank you.
Learning to look toward a greater, fuller, richer life.
Sharing stories with friends
and telling them real adventures
that they never thought possible.
You might hear them talking about
a Scoutmaster they once had.
A Scoutmaster that pushed his Scouts
to become strong, courageous, bona fide men.
Because this is scouting
and, damn it, somebody's got to lead the way.